hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
