Please, let me fuck your mom
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
