Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
