so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Success! We fucked roommates!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
