I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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