I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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