Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize