I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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