my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
