I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
