You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
