so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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