Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize