Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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