On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
