when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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