Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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