who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
