so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
