I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
