I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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