he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
