I only kidnapped one of them. chill
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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