I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
sex in a hospital.. check
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
