How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize