Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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