If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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