Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
