2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize