Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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