I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
