I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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