Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
