the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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