just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
