I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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