Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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