Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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