just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Randomize
