I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
