I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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