Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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