i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
