My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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