wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
