allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
