we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize