Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize