i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I made him laugh his dick is mine
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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