I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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