and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
