Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
