Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
