Don't make out with my wife yet
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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