why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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