sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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