i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
