I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
