No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
