I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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